Satisfaction..... too far to reach!

Is it so difficult to get satisfied with whatever life gives you? Is it so difficult to handle the daily situations? Is it so difficult to detach yourself from everybody for a few hours and live for yourself without thinking what others might think? If not then why the hell can’t I live my life on my own conditions?

Today I went for shopping with a good mood ( Mind it, I am having some problem with one of my friends but still went for shopping with good mood) to buy a gift for one of my dear friend. I went with another friend whose company I enjoy a lot. I had a great day, forgot any tensions, spent a lot of money on myself and bought whatever I wished in spite of the fact that I am not supposed to buy anything in these days! I was happy but right now, after almost 3 hours since I returned home, I am literally crying for ….. God knows what!

I had lost the bill of the gift and now I cant not hope to exchange it in case there is some problem with the size. However, I have talked to the shopkeeper and he says it would be possible but I am afraid. After that, I had a talk with that friend for whom I bought the gift and I told him everything. I even told him what is the gift, what is the color and what is the color of the wrapper! Is that stupidity? Or mere frankness on my part, I don’t know. But somewhere after I hung up the phone, I felt I shouldn’t have shared everything with him. He could have felt that I am boasting. I am feeling bad to think that he would think this way….but I can’t do anything now. The words have been said.

Second thing, he told me that the size that I have bought is not his. now, I am a little more scared as it would be difficult to get it exchanged. Also, I am afraid that he won’t even tell me and if he doesn’t then my gift won’t be used that is for sure….

I am feeling bad for all these reasons. Besides that, I called up the friend with whom I am having problem, but he is still busy with his office work and doesn’t have time to talk to me….

May be he is right and I am wrong… may be it is me who always expects a lot and gets easily hurt because of that… may be it is me who wants to see the negative side of everything…may be it is me who can not get satiated with anything… no matter what happens I am always crying, always blaming myself…. I don’t know what is the problem but surely there is some and I need to cure it before something makes me mad…. I just feel frustrated many-a-times because of this…I feel like confining myself in a room and live there forever, without anybody’s love because in any case I don’t respect anybody’s love…the people who love want to see me happy and here I am cribbing over something or the other…what am I supposed to do…

I can’t say all this to anybody… A N Y B O D Y… that’s why I am putting it out here where may be no one would read it and know my feelings…..

I want to live my life on my own conditions but the absurdity is that I don’t know those very conditions… I don’t know what I want from myself and from my life may be that is what makes my situation more….